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Be Impeccable With Your Word

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:30:55 +0100

Recently, I have found the principles of “The Four Agreements”, by don Miguel Ruiz, resurfacing in conversations with clients and friends. It was published in 1997, so many of you have probably read it, and I have written about it before. But like most books of simple wisdom, its pages are worth revisiting with fresh eyes from time to time.

As both a western trained surgeon and an indigenous healer, don Miguel proposes that all healing begins with healing our state of mind. In the book, he offers Four Agreements, or manners of living, as a path to a healthy state of mind. As with most wisdom principles, they are simple yet not easy to live out, with a profound capacity to change the nature of our lives. Today I want to address the first of these agreements “Be Impeccable with your Word.”

The author describes this principle as the most important because it provides a foundation for the others; and also as the most difficult. For me, the starting place in being impeccable with one’s word is to recognize its power. The Gospel of John describes the creative power of God as The Word. Words have a force of their own. We use them to express our thoughts, our dreams, our feelings: to manifest externally what we carry internally. And, as with all power, words represent a two-edged sword. They can be used impeccably or they can be misused. All of us have been on the receiving end of words used for hurt or harm. Like a hot stove, the burn may only be for a second, but the pain can stay with us for a long time. For good or ill, the words we are exposed to can become our beliefs and last a lifetime.

Don Miguel offers four guidelines for being impeccable with your word:

1. Speak with integrity. Integrity implies a state of being integrated or the quality of being undivided. It means that we represent ourselves consistently and honestly, no matter who we’re communicating with.

2. Say only what you mean, not what you think people want to hear. This means that we say yes when we mean yes, and no when we mean no; that we communicate clearly and as concisely as possible.

3. Avoid speaking against yourself or others (gossip). The word has power even when it is used against oneself. If I tell myself I am stupid often enough, it is likely to become a belief. The damage of gossip is too familiar to most of us. The use of words to pass information and judgment about others is like a computer virus creating distorted communication. Whether we use it as a pastime or to gain support for our point of view it is damaging.

4. Use your word in the direction of truth and love. To be impeccable with our words is to consciously choose to only use their power to enhance life and creativity. This is the ultimate personal responsibility.

As with all efforts in conscious living, impeccability with our words is a goal requiring life-long practice, but the benefits of greater ease in relationships and peace of mind are well worth it. Next time we’ll look at the 2nd Agreement, “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”

The Best of Intentions

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:31:01 +0100

This week recognizes the Chinese New Year, which is a true bright spot for those of us just catching up with the fact that it is indeed a “New Year.” I find January a time of transition; mentally processing my reflections of the year I leave behind and considering my intentions for the one that lies ahead. This often includes dismantling and recreating my vision board for the year; reviewing my finances and finalizing year-end records; emotionally processing the year’s unresolved issues so my energy if freed for the future. So, a January 23^rd New Year presents a perfect opportunity to implement the intentions that I have been formulating the past few weeks.

“Intention.” A powerful word that means different things to different people. Here are a few that I’ve come across:

“A good intention clothes itself with sudden power” - Ralph Wald Emerson

"Our intention creates our reality" - Wayne Dyer

“Inspiration is intention obeyed” - Emily Carr“Good intentions are at least the seed of good actions and everyone ought to sow them" - William Temple, Sr.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” - Author unknown

I’d bet most of you have heard the last one. Many of us have become cynical about the role that intentions play in our lives, and too often reduce our expectations to wishful thinking or half-hearted attempts at change.

The dictionary defines intention as “a course of action that one intends to follow,” and “an aim that guides action, an objective or a purpose.” The implication is clear that intention is intrinsically tied to action. So why is there so often a disconnect between the setting of intentions and the reality of our actions? Why do the majority of New Year’s intentions fizzle by the wayside by Valentine’s Day?

While I cannot offer a definitive answer to those questions, I believe there are some fundamental factors that make a difference. It is important to understand the setting of intention as conscious use of our energy to invite opportunities into our life. Setting an intention to change something in my life, for example, requires an openness of my mind, my heart, my time and my resources toward the change I seek. An intentional invitation is less powerful when part of me is closed off. Being “intentional” requires conscious awareness or I will not recognize the opportunities when they are presented; be it through an event, a person, a process, a thought, an emotion or an experience.

Having recognized the opportunity to live out my intention, I must trust myself enough to act on the opportunity. This is easier if I also trust that my intention serves the highest good of all involved.

These elements of openness, awareness and trust are the conduit for implementing our best intentions for 2012.

It’s not too late! I invite you to join me this week in sending forth our best intentions out into the world with great expectations of what will be returned.

This Little Light of Mine - Let it Shine

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 02:59:34 +0100

Last night I donned warm clothes and set out into the darkness to adorn the front of my house with icicle lights. Though this event is weeks later than usual for me, I gave myself permission to enjoy the magic of the lights coming to life – and enjoy I did. The air was cool, crisp and still, and the sky was dark. The only sounds were the leaves under my feet and the sound of neighborhood dogs from afar.

I noticed that with each strand I hung, my spirit felt a little lighter; my heart a little warmer. There is something transforming about the effect of light in our lives; and though my mind wants to contemplate the biochemistry of it all, my soul just wants to revel in the mystery. Today I choose the later.

This is the week of the winter solstice; literally the darkest day of the year. For many, this time of year is also the figuratively darkest time as well: when all that is lacking looms larger than life and threatens to swallow us into the darkness. From our internal world to our global community, we are in great need of the transforming power of the Light.

In this dark time we light candles, wreaths, trees, windows and fireplaces; searching for the comfort and peace we crave. And while I enjoy them all, I am aware that we carry the most transformative light within us. Bring to mind someone you know that lights up a room when they enter it – now you know what I’m talking about! A smile, eyes, face, or presence that is lit from within is more transforming than a room full of candles.

What would it be like to be in a store, post office or church full of people who carry that light within? How would it transform your experience? What would it be like to be the person that shines your light in those places? How would it transform your experience?

In this busy time of year, I bid you to slow down, look inside and connect to the Light within you; and then bravely let it shine through you and be the transformation we seek in the world - be the light in the darkness.

Rest From Our Labors

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 00:20:38 +0100

I find myself in that transition time after vacation. Having spent the day reviewing correspondence, updating my schedule and reconnecting with clients, I am surprised at how manageable it all seemed. I admit that I generally do not relish the thought of a day dealing with more paper than people, so it causes reflection of what is different today.

My observation is that today comes at the heels of almost two weeks away from my computer, my office and my home. More than that, almost two weeks without obligations. While the grandeur and wonder of our national parks, nights spent under a starry sky, a morning stroll along the Grand Canyon rim, and precious time with my sisters were restoring indeed; the healing potential of it all would have been greatly diminished had I felt obligated to “be available.” Being unavailable is an important element of true rest.

It seems to me that the idea of rest is all but lost in our culture. To “rest from our labors” is to have a break in routine; a lack of normal obligations and the ability to slow down – not just our bodies, but our minds. Rest is not necessarily being idle, but having the ability to choose our activity. Quieting our minds allows us to take in our present experience; something that is more the exception than the rule for many of us.

It’s All in the Balance
As in most of life, the balance of meaningful labor and rest is fundamental to sustainable health and well-being. We need respite even from labors of love: building, teaching, raising children; even my therapy practice. We have so much more to offer when we are refilled and refueled by true rest. We have more of ourselves to “be available” when we want to be. As a result, life feels more manageable, more enjoyable and more meaningful – whatever our labor is.

I seldom take two weeks of rest; but I occasionally take two days; often take two hours and regularly take two minutes. Once we have an understanding of what “rest” really is, we can make it part of our lifestyle. Experiment a little: turn off your phone; shut down your e-mail; close the office door and your eyes; get out of the office and take a walk on your lunch break; put an “unavailable” sign on your bedroom door; count how many sounds you hear from your back porch. Search out what is restful to you and make time for it. I guarantee that everyone around you will thank you for it.

Time Traveling

Mon, 25 Jul 2011 21:20:53 +0100

“I’m in charge of Los Angeles. And I come here; I feel like a little fat girl.”

We usually think of time travel as something that happens in science-fiction movies. Images of “Back to the Future,” “The Time Machine,” or “The Time Traveler’s Wife” come to mind. The reality, however, is that it’s really quite common. In fact, many of us will time travel this summer.

The above quote is spoken by Jane Fonda’s character, Chelsea, in the movie On Golden Pond (1981 ). Chelsea manages a contentious relationship with her father by moving to the west coast and staying away for long periods of time. When an impending marriage brings her for a visit to Golden Pond she finds herself living in the past – again. Though she has built a successful career and feels “in charge” in L.A., she quickly travels to the time of feeling “like a little fat girl.” Somehow the years and miles don’t seem to matter. With different specifics, most of us can probably relate to Chelsea’s experience.

The dynamics of our first family create powerful energy patterns that time and distance do not erase. There is something about going home that triggers these dynamics by default. Sometimes it’s as palpable as a force field. Sometimes it’s much more subtle; catching us by surprise after we vowed to ourselves that it was going to be different this time.

In psychotherapy we refer to these ingrained patterns as “scripts” that reflect the role each of us learned to play in our first family. When we recognize that our old script no longer fits who we are (or who we want to be), changing one’s script often becomes a therapeutic goal. The good news is that with persistent practice we can learn to relinquish restrictive scripts and adopt new ones that are more useful to us. We can learn to stay in the here-and-now.

This kind of time travel happens with greater frequency during the summer months of family reunions, vacations, weddings and extended stays with our families. These are great opportunities for noticing your own experience when you’re together with your family. Do you find yourself feeling anxious or defensive for no current reason? Do you feel accepted for who you are today or like you’re caught in an old photograph? Do you have expectations of others based on their scripts?

Although time travel sounds like an exciting adventure, most people find that learning to stay in the present allows a life of greater ease and more authentic relationships. We have the ability within us to redefine what it means to “go home."

Summer Water-Works

Tue, 05 Jul 2011 19:40:36 +0100

The summer seems to be flying by and I hope that you are enjoying yours. As we enjoy the July 4th holidays, I am mindful of the severity of the drought here in Central Texas as our traditional fireworks displays are cancelled around us. Rain has been as scarce here as it has been prolific in other parts of the country. As I carefully water the backyard flowers that help create my home sanctuary, I am reminded how crucial water is to our very survival.

Water, Water Everywhere, but Not a Drop to Drink

We need not just water, but clean water. The flood victims of Minot, North Dakota may be watching their homes and neighborhoods destroyed by floodwaters and still are in need of Red Cross deliveries of clean drinking water. We are all aware of the necessity of safe drinking water, but how do we know for sure? We buy bottled water to the tune of $4 billion a year in the U.S., with no assurance that it is any less contaminated than tap water. In fact, about a quarter of bottled water is simply tap water in a bottle. Not to mention that bottled water is at risk for contamination from the plasticizers and chemicals that make up the bottle it’s stored in. Did you know that...

The Safe Drinking Water Act of 1974 covers only 91 contaminants, yet an
estimated 60,000 chemicals are used within the United States.

We can be sure that many of those chemicals find their way into our streams, rivers, lakes and, finally, into our water supplies.

So What Are We To Do?
One of the most cost effective ways to insure a safe water supply in your home is to have a home treatment system. "Point-of-use" systems treat water at a specific location in our home; usually in the kitchen.
    Activated Carbon Filtration uses replaceable carbon cartridges that help remove pesticides, solvents, lead, chlorine, some heavy metals and microbes. These can be used in a portable pitcher, under the sink or on the faucet. Carbon filters are a good inexpensive way to start.
    Reverse Osmosis systems are found on the counter top or under the sink. This filtration method removes fluoride, nitrate, bacteria, pesticides, solvents, lead and foul tastes. RO systems use thin membranes filters and carbon filtration to remove most impurities.
    Distillation systems remove impurities by boiling water into steam and then condensing it into a clean container. These can be wall-mounted or located on a countertop.

The Bottom Line
Make your home water supply as safe as possible and drink the recommended 8 glasses of water a day. Here in Texas where the temperatures can hit triple digits, we know how important it is to stay hydrated. Don't wait until you're thirsty. Oh, and buy a stainless steel water bottle and make it your new friend. Pass the word!

Worth Waiting For

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 01:24:06 +0100

“Waiting.” Just saying the word brings up all kinds of images, doesn’t it? Waiting in line; waiting for a table; waiting for vacation; waiting for school to start (or be over); waiting for the test results; waiting until I have the money; waiting until I know what to do. No matter what we’re waiting “for,” waiting is rarely high on our list of things to look forward to. After all, it’s just an empty gap in life; a time when nothing’s really happening – isn’t it?

Engagement
The past few months I have had the privilege of witnessing the “waiting” of my daughter’s pregnancy. Waiting for hormones to settle down; waiting to feel the stirrings of new life; waiting to look pregnant; waiting for others to feel movement; waiting for check-ups; waiting to discover the baby’s gender; waiting for baby showers; waiting to set up the nursery; waiting to hold baby in my arms; and yes, waiting to have my body back. Any mother will tell you that the waiting of pregnancy is anything but a passive or empty time; in fact, it is highly purposeful. I believe this is true of all waiting if we are conscious in our experience.

Opportunities

Waiting for something creates a transition from one point in our lives to another. It affords us time for preparation. Waiting allows us to experience anticipation and desire. In fact, generally the longer we wait for something the more longing we have and the more we value the outcome. Waiting is the avenue for developing patience and the capacity to delay gratification or pleasure. It offers the opportunity for true appreciation when the waiting is over.

Choice
If you find yourself in a time of “waiting,” I invite you to make the most of it. See what it stirs up in you. Choose to be open to the experience of being in-between. Notice if anxiety, fear, impatience, frustration or anger creep in. Practice stretching your capacity to tolerate where you’re at and pay attention to what offers you relief and reassurance. Waiting can be a purposeful opportunity to grow or an aggravation – the choice is ours.

The Spice of Life or The Kiss of Death

Sat, 14 May 2011 15:02:25 +0100

“It’s not that there are no differences – the world is made of infinite variety – rather it is the seizing of differences, the fearing of differences, that keeps us from feeling grace.”

Mark Nepo, The Book of Awakening

I am often struck by the “infinite variety” of people and experiences in the world. It is one of the things that makes my work as a therapist such rich ground for exploring our humanness. I have found that how we experience differences – whether they are the spice of life or the kiss of death - is the crux of the quality of our lives.

Like a Moth to a Flame

There is an allure, a romance if you will, about that which is different. In our relationships, in love, in work, in travel, in cultures, in language; we are attracted, enamored and fascinated with differences - like a moth drawn to a flame. And just like the moth, we risk getting burned in the process. Because our initial attraction to what’s different, often leads to feeling threatened by it later.

This dynamic is often easy to see in marriages. If you are married, think about what initially attracted you to your spouse. For example, she fell in love with his strong work ethic and financial sense (in contrast to her father who couldn’t keep a job), and later felt unloved and resentful because he worked all the time. He fell in love with her carefree, adventurous spirit and was later frustrated by her lack of planning and responsibility. There are as many variations of this as there are couples, but I have found it to be a universal principle.

To See or To Seize

What determines the quality of our experience is not whether there are differences but whether we simply “see” them or whether we “seize” them. “Seeing” differences allows them to be the spice of life; “seizing” them allows them to be the kiss of death. Seeing differences means acknowledging them, addressing them when necessary, accepting them ( more than tolerating), and even learning to appreciate them. Seizing differences means a need to judge them, to experience them personally, to feel threatened by them and to live out of fear.

From Fear to Grace

The capacity to move out of fear and into grace grows out of the individual ability to accept and value oneself, because it removes the need to validate that I’m okay through our sameness. Though we are attracted to what’s different, we are usually more comfortable with what is similar. In general, the less sure I am of myself, the more critical and threatened I will be by differences in others; and vice versa.

To return to my marriage example, some couples do allow their differences to become the kiss of death and others do not. This can also be said of other relationships, workplaces, communities of faith, cities and countries. I envision a world where differences can truly be the spice of life and I know that it must begin within each of us. Only individuals filled with acceptance and grace toward themselves have the capacity to encounter others with acceptance and grace as well.

It’s Not That Bad After All

Thu, 21 Apr 2011 13:38:08 +0100

It is a beautiful spring day today, yet I feel a sense of heaviness as I begin to write. I am aware that I have not sent a newsletter since December and a guilty “behind” feeling comes with my awareness. You see, in December I decided to change the format of my writing from a monthly newsletter to a blog that would be more accessible to others. If you’re having trouble seeing the connection, stick with me.

As many baby boomers, I have arrived late to the social media party (in fact, I’m not even sure I’m through the door), and have a rather steep learning curve to navigate. And because I actually like new learning challenges, I assume I will create this new format myself rather than resourcing a professional. I also conclude that because of this learning curve it is going to take a significant amount of time so I must have several uninterrupted hours to dedicate to even begin. I bet you’re starting to see the problem.

When I did consider beginning the task my mind chattered, “this is going to be a lot of work, maybe I should just do what I’ve been doing; I don’t have time for this right now; what if I can’t figure it out?” My anxiety over my lack of competence led to negative predictions about my experience and became an obstacle to moving forward. Predictions of any kind keep us focused on the future and not open to our present experience, which is often quite different.

That you are reading this blog post is evidence of overcoming my inertia. And, not surprisingly, what I found is that It’s Not That Bad After All! Despite my negative predictions, I found that in little more than a lunch hour I read the tutorial, set up a blog page and was ready to post. I still have lots to learn about widgets and comments, but I now have one foot through the door.

What are you putting off in your life? It may not be social media; maybe its taxes, spring cleaning or “the talk” you want to have with a family member. Whatever it is, we can move beyond our self-imposed obstacles by recognizing the source of our anxiety and letting go of the negative predictions it generates. When we stay present and open to our experience we usually find it’s really not that bad after all and it may be better than we could have imagined.

My hope is that this blog will allow me to stay more connected and to be of service to those near and far.